I am an over-explainer. It’s a weird trait for an introvert, but I feel that my kids will benefit from a full explanation and understanding of situations, decisions, and circumstances. But sometimes the questions are just. Too. MUCH! My husband and I went to a parenting talk given by the brilliant psychologist, John Rosemond, many years ago. We learned a lot, but the simplest, most lasting take-away for me was his teaching on how to say “No” to kids.
He suggests that when you say “No”, and your child asks for a reason or explanation, one of the five following answers always fits the bill:
- You aren’t old enough.
- It’s not safe.
- We aren’t going to spend our money that way.
- We aren’t going to spend our time that way.
- That isn’t consistent with our family values.
If you can remember these five answers, your life as a parent will instantly become easier, especially if you tend to be an over-explainer like me. They are simple, and they remind your kids of what is important. One of the expectations you have no doubt placed for your kids is that they must not argue when you give them an answer. Help them live up to this expectation by giving well thought out, firm, air tight reasons to their “why nots” and learn how to effectively say “no.”
This article is written by Joanne Jarrett
For more on this topic, check out the full Child Behavior and All About Toddlers collections
How to Say “No” to Your Kids
You aren’t old enough
The only sticky widget with “You aren’t old enough” is remembering at what age you allowed child #1 certain privileges like sleepovers or divide-and-conquer grocery shopping so you can be fair and consistent with subsequent kids. My sister-in-law raised five kids and literally kept a list of such things, God bless her!
It’s Not Safe
“It’s not safe” is the easiest one. I told both of our girls from a very early age that one of my main jobs was to keep them safe. They know I mean it.
We aren’t going to spend our money that way
I especially love #3, “We aren’t going to spend our money that way.” It is so much better than, “We can’t afford it”, which is rarely accurate. Having enough money for something is rarely the deciding factor for purchasing, and kids can handle that nuance.
We aren’t going to spend our time that way
“We aren’t going to spend our time that way” is so much better than “we don’t have time” which just invites debate (at least in my house). This one will get you out of a lot of drudgery. You are the parent. YOU decide how the family time is spent.
That isn’t consistent with our family values
Before you roll these out (which you MUST do! I promise you’ll love it!), make sure you have given your family values some serious thought. I’m not suggesting you write a manifesto. I’m trying to save you time and effort, not add burden. “That isn’t consistent with our family values” is the trickiest, most involved, most important answer you can give your kids. They need to know what your family values are, and the values need to be things you can consistently uphold. Your kids are smart. Make sure you don’t paint yourself into a corner!
For example… In our family, we value:
- Loving God
- Treating each other with love
- Telling the truth
- Treating those in authority and elders with respect
- Obedience to the law and authority
- Refraining from gossip
We expect our kids to live up to these values. But it is our responsibility to teach them the significance of these values and to set them up for success whenever possible.
THE IMPORTANCE of saying “No” to your kids
These reasons remind your children that decisions regarding how to spend time and money, what is safe, what is age appropriate, and most importantly, your family values, are to be made by adults. They assert that while you may entertain their input on these things, your final decisions are final. These answers tend to stimulate productive, educational discussion rather than debate or fussing. But often, when my kids hear one of these, they just move on. They know we won’t waver, and they don’t want a life lecture. Win!
THE RESULT of setting parenting boundaries
If you find yourself unable to give one of the five reasons for your “No,” you might need to rethink your motivations. Learning this concept has actually lead to me saying “Yes” to my kids more often. When “No” is less often a battle, “yes” seems somehow more appealing, or at least worth consideration. Here’s where we’ve set up some expectations that we require ourselves to adhere to. When I’m tempted to say “No,” I quickly run through my mental list of reasons. If none apply, I’m more likely to say “Yes.” It’s usually something I feel I don’t have the energy for, like playing a board game. The yes is reluctant but without regret in retrospect.
Don’t get me wrong. I still explain ’til I’m blue in the face from time to time. And my kids aren’t perfect about the no arguing/respect your elders thing. Believe me. When I just can’t field another question, or when I see no value in belaboring the point at hand, I slap down one of these five reasons and move on with my day, guilt free, pink-faced, and with energy to spare!
THE EXCEPTION to these parenting tips
I rarely say “Because I said so.” I think it is sometimes snarky short-speak for “you are the child and I am the parent”, “respect my authority”, or “I don’t feel like discussing this.” One of the five above almost always works instead. But not always. Sometimes, you just can’t help yourself. And that’s ok. We are allowed to blow a gasket (or a basket, as my daughter Delaney said when she was little) sometimes. This parenting thing is hard.
I hope you tuck this pearl in your parenting tool belt and use it often. It may be one of the main reasons I am still sane.
Repeat after me…
- You aren’t old enough.
- It’s not safe.
- We aren’t going to spend our money that way.
- We aren’t going to spend our time that way.
- That isn’t consistent with our family values.
Good. You are ready. Take charge!
How do you say “No” to your kids? Do you think you’ll try this? I’d love to talk about it. Leave me a comment!
For more on this topic, check out the full Child Behavior and All About Toddlers collections
Featured Contributor: Joanne Jarrett
I am a family physician turned stay at home mom and have recently entered the clothing industry. I am developing Shelfies, a line of women’s loungewear that will revolutionize what you wear in the No Bra Zone. Visit shelfieshoppe.com to follow the journey and receive a secret code for free shipping!
- Website: shelfieshoppe.com
- Facebook: @shelfieshoppe
- Instagram: @ivegotdishues
