At the time of me writing this, it’s February… which means that my kids haven’t had a normal week of school in a very long time. Between illnesses and snow days, my boys have spent a lot of time at home recently. While normally spending more time at home can leave me feeling stressed as I wonder how to reduce the sibling rivalry and fighting that could deplete my energy as a mother… this time it was different. This time something actually amazing happened…
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Sibling Arguments Do Happen
Something interesting always seems to happen when my boys get to spend more time together.
At first, they are at each other constantly. I have to be a referee, a cruise director, and a high caliber mediator on top of all of my normal responsibilities as Mom. My first thought is often that I just need to separate them. I need to sign them up for different activities, or at the very least put them in different rooms. But… just when things start to seem impossible, something magical always happens…
They remember that they like each other
My biggest a-ha moment with this was over the summer. For the first time, I didn’t arrange any childcare, any camps, or any activities for the entire summer. It was just me and my two sons, all day every day. I knew it would be a bit crazy, but I wanted to give us all a break from the normal schedules and give us space to just relax and have some summer fun. We decided to try trading activities for more play time, and the benefits were incredible!
Although, shortly into summer break, I started to worry that I had made a big mistake. How was I supposed to get any work done when the boys were constantly at each other? How was I supposed to take them anywhere fun when they would whine if their brother even looked at them? And how was I supposed to survive months of this without becoming the mom I didn’t want to be? I was desperate to figure out how to reduce their sibling rivalry and fighting!
But sure enough, after about two weeks of a lot of tension, everything shifted!
They figured out how to be around each other again
After a whole school year of being in separate classrooms and being signed up for different activities, they had forgotten how to play together. They had spent so much time apart that they needed to sort things out and reconnect.
It was amazing to see how the fighting virtually stopped, and they started cooperating and entertaining themselves. They became a team again where each of them had ideas to contribute. They started really communicating with each other instead of just snapping at the other person. And they weren’t so competitive anymore as they figured out compromises on their own.
It made my heart so happy to see!
I hadn’t done anything revolutionary to make it happen. I essentially kept my composure as much as I could, and weathered the storm until the sun came out again. We survived two weeks of emotions running high, but it was all totally worthwhile. They found that strong sibling bond again.
The previous summer when we went on vacation, it was not a pleasant experience. The boys had been in childcare three days a week all summer long and were doing their own thing most of the time. This meant that our one week vacation was the time where they were not used to being together and enjoying each other’s company. I spent the entire week frustrated, exhausted, and embarrassed by their behavior… I barely recognized my own kids!
However, the summer where they were together all the time, our vacation went so much more smoothly. There was minimal bickering, and they actually enjoyed doing things together the entire week! It was such a marked change from the year before, and such a relief to be able to genuinely enjoy our time together.
So what have I learned from all of this?
I’ve learned that sometimes you have to weather the storm to see the sunshine.
That it’s okay for your kids to sort things out on their own.
That sometimes it just takes time for them to reconnect.
And most importantly…
My kids need more time together, not less, in order to improve their sibling relationship. They need more time together in order to reduce the sibling rivalry and fighting.
So while it is not an easy process, or even one that is feasible for every family, I would encourage you to give your kids space to simply spend more time with each other on a regular basis. Whether this means that you also try trading activities for more play time at home, or keeping the kids home all summer; that time together is truly good for them!
Once you get through the hard part, you will start to notice that winter breaks, spring breaks, and summer breaks are all much more manageable. Sure, they might need some time to readjust each time. But the more you can give them space to spend time together on a regular basis, the easier your job will be in the long-run!
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